Things Got Crazy

Things got crazy for a while there in the middle of July, but it has opened my heart and my mind a lot to think and pursue different things. Things that I like doing. Things that make me happy.

The two biggest and major things that happened last month were the ends of chapters in my life and others. At the end of June my Father called to let me know that his Dad had found out that he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and was in an incredible amount of pain (he passed not long after the diagnosis). And I settled on my divorce. My Grandfather’s passing and my settlement came all with in a week of each other.

I know that I wasn’t ready for either of them to happen. Who ever is ready for such major things like these? No one I know of.

After grieving on both fronts my brain has started to loosen from its tightly wound state. There was nothing coming out. I felt stagnant. The only thing that I found myself able to do is knit. I had to knit to keep my hands busy or I’m pretty sure that I would have eaten everything in the house. Now it seems like there is some space in my head to think about other things. There are parts of stories that are trying to eek out, I actually finished knitting a blanket for my son, I started making a crochet project for myself, and I’ve been writing in my journal  way more than I had been.

I have started to become inspired again and it’s a wonderful thing. I’m getting inspired on a spiritual front, an artistic front, and a moving on (both mentally and physically moving) front. As soon as STBX removes my name from the mortgage and I receive my monetary amount I’ll be moving. To where I don’t know.

Now I feel like I can look for a job and not feel like there is anything holding back. Maybe there was that hope somewhere deep inside me that it was all a dream and I would wake up and I wouldn’t be in the middle of a divorce. I don’t feel this way anymore. Now I’m just ready to get on with that bit in my life. I know that it’s coming now and do what I have to do to get work.

A friend of mine offered to help me with my resume so it would look better, because it was in terrible shape. Another friend of mine offered to put in a good word for me at his place of business and would give his boss my resume. So I have to get it all spiffed up and to him asap.

I am not completely over all that has happened in the past month by any means. I’m still keeping my family in my thoughts and prayers because it isn’t finished for any of us. I keep hoping that this year will end (at the very least without anymore heartache than necessary).

Choices

We have to make choices. They are everywhere.

What to wear for the day. What to eat. Where to go.

Then there are the important choices that can change our lives.

Where we go to school. Where we move to.

Who we have in our life.

These choices are what make us who we are.

If we look back and regret them do we regret who we are? What we have become?

I like to think that I can just regret the choice.

I find myself thinking about what could have been.

I can’t change these choices. They have been made.

I have to let them go.

Life is Change

From birth to grade school so much changes. So much is learned.

You grow and get older. The learning process continues.

As school progresses you take on more. Trying to understand yourself.

Graduating from school. You are put out to take care of yourself.

Find your calling. Train for it.

Marriage. Children. More change.

We resist change, but there is always something coming to change us.

Even as we grow old. Relationships change.

Life is change. We change until the end.

The end changes us one last time.