Things got crazy for a while there in the middle of July, but it has opened my heart and my mind a lot to think and pursue different things. Things that I like doing. Things that make me happy.
The two biggest and major things that happened last month were the ends of chapters in my life and others. At the end of June my Father called to let me know that his Dad had found out that he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and was in an incredible amount of pain (he passed not long after the diagnosis). And I settled on my divorce. My Grandfather’s passing and my settlement came all with in a week of each other.
I know that I wasn’t ready for either of them to happen. Who ever is ready for such major things like these? No one I know of.
After grieving on both fronts my brain has started to loosen from its tightly wound state. There was nothing coming out. I felt stagnant. The only thing that I found myself able to do is knit. I had to knit to keep my hands busy or I’m pretty sure that I would have eaten everything in the house. Now it seems like there is some space in my head to think about other things. There are parts of stories that are trying to eek out, I actually finished knitting a blanket for my son, I started making a crochet project for myself, and I’ve been writing in my journal way more than I had been.
I have started to become inspired again and it’s a wonderful thing. I’m getting inspired on a spiritual front, an artistic front, and a moving on (both mentally and physically moving) front. As soon as STBX removes my name from the mortgage and I receive my monetary amount I’ll be moving. To where I don’t know.
Now I feel like I can look for a job and not feel like there is anything holding back. Maybe there was that hope somewhere deep inside me that it was all a dream and I would wake up and I wouldn’t be in the middle of a divorce. I don’t feel this way anymore. Now I’m just ready to get on with that bit in my life. I know that it’s coming now and do what I have to do to get work.
A friend of mine offered to help me with my resume so it would look better, because it was in terrible shape. Another friend of mine offered to put in a good word for me at his place of business and would give his boss my resume. So I have to get it all spiffed up and to him asap.
I am not completely over all that has happened in the past month by any means. I’m still keeping my family in my thoughts and prayers because it isn’t finished for any of us. I keep hoping that this year will end (at the very least without anymore heartache than necessary).
I know that I haven’t written anything in a long while. That is mostly because not a whole lot has changed. Life has trudged on in the same fashion that it has been for the past year. Nothing has happened on my relationship front. I haven’t got any new leads on a job somewhere. I have put out lots of resumes and cover letters to no avail. I’m afraid that I’m not qualified or too qualified for the positions that I’m applying for.
My weight loss has stalled again. And it’s usually over the tremendous amounts of stress that I’ve been under. I’ve been trying very hard not to stress eat but it doesn’t always work. I did get a Nutribullet and I have been using that for the past week and a half with good results so far. In the very least I am getting in all of my fruits and veggies for the day. I have even thought about doing the Simply Filling Technique from Weight Watchers (since I am still making my weekly appearances there). I have a feeling that doing SFT would be hard considering that I am around regular food anyways when it comes to feeding my son.
I have been trying to make some money with Amazon Mechanical Turk and have been getting at least a couple of dollars a day that I’m putting away for work clothes, stuff that I’ll need for my next house, and my emergencies. If you follow my Avon page on Facebook I have really ramped up posts there and on Twitter. I post great deals in both locations. Because saving money is important, it doesn’t matter how much you have.
I have also pulled out some of my writing from way back, and have started trying to formulate ways that I can storyboard it for novel ideas. She snorted unbelievingly. Writing is hard, because if it was easy everyone would do it. I will try to post more here because believe it or not I do like to write.
So what is the deal about telling a woman who is a stay at home mom (sahm) that if she is bored while she is away from her kids that it isn’t healthy? Seriously? He is my job. He is the center of my world. We do everything together and he is a smart little boy because of it. People tell me all the time that he talks very well for his age because they can understand what words he is using.
I have things that I do when I am away from my child. I do have hobbies. I go to weight watchers meetings. I crochet. I knit. I read. But I still get bored when I’m not with him after a while. Nap time is the perfect amount of time that I am “away” from during the day.
I don’t know maybe I am not wording my boredom right. Maybe I should say that instead I’m missing him. I enjoy the reactions that he has for things. I love that he is learning with me all of the time.
At the same time I believe that our stupid ass culture has messed this whole thing up for women and men that want to have a traditional family life. It is not the norm that I want to spend my time with my child when we live in a world where the mom wants to continue to further her career instead of raising her children (I know that this isn’t true for all women). We live in a culture where in order to “live” better than we really ought to and both parents both have to work and we pay someone else to raise our children.
This is what the women’s lib movement has gained for us. Now women are working more than ever and still trying to balance everything at home too.
So yes women Heaven forbid that you say you are bored without your child and they will think that there is something wrong with you and you need meds.
It’s amusing to say the least what happens when the power goes out.
We are all so used to bring connected to everything that we almost go into a panic mode. It is nice to get out and take a walk if you can. Or enjoy the silence for a bit.
I have to admit though that after my brief walk with my son when we for back to the house I has to use my phone so that we could listen to some kind of music.
We played on the floor and tickled each other and had a great time. We both got to bug each other to death. And read lots of extra books.
You really get to appreciate all of the technology and electricity that we have on a normal day. I am truly grateful that I got my dishes washed this morning before we lost power. I am thankful that my clothes all got washed yesterday. We’ve all become so dependent on electricity.
The power being out can really make you more imaginative and creative.
Soon I’ll be out looking for a new place to live. A new place that I can put my mark on. Some place that I make the final decisions on how it’s decorated. Where the clutter lives (hopefully in the trash). Somewhere that I can be happy when I come home from work.
At this point I don’t care much if I have to put some work into where I’ll be living. I just know that I need a roof over my head and my boy.
I have to say that I’m looking forward to it. I know that it will be a lot of hard work. I know that in the end I’ll be a stronger and smarter person for it.
I didn’t know that I would be making this change so soon. As far as I knew I was going to be staying with the “marital” home until it could be sold. But if he wants to buy me out that’s perfectly fine with me. The scary part is that it is cheaper to buy a house still then it is to rent. I’ve looked into getting a place to rent and they can be $650+ in the area that I’m looking at. For a 2 bed, 2 bath apartment!
So why would I want to rent when I can buy a house with a mortgage payment of $200 less than that? (What I find funny is the word “mortgage.” It’s root word means death.)
In this new place that I will eventually get it’s like starting over fresh. If something doesn’t have a place I can get rid of it somehow. If I sell it in a yard sale, eBay, or donate it. Whatever happens I get to say if it comes into the house. I’ll all ready be getting rid of stuff while I’m packing. Check out my eBay items if you are interested in books and dvd’s.
Now I just need to look at ways to store the books and dvd’s that I’m going to keep…
I hate that I have so much frustration. A lot of it is stemming from the fact that the person that filed for divorce put no planning into what would happen after that what so ever. Like things would continue on like nothing happened. Like we could just keep living together after everything was final.
The whole reason that he filled for divorce was that he didn’t want to come home to be with me. But he is willing to continue to live with me until he figures that he can afford to move out. How does that make any sense? It doesn’t to me. If you have a problem living with me wouldn’t you go ahead and save money to move out first? Or wait to file when you actually felt like you had the means to leave instead of filing and putting everyone through crap while you save up?
Why is it that it takes over 3 months to complete something that should have been done 3 months ago? And then when it’s done, it isn’t done completely? Just because they believe that a part isn’t necessary to it functioning. True enough it doesn’t help it function in any way, but it completes the look of the job and doesn’t make it look unfinished. Seeing that we are going to have to put the house on the market why make more work for yourself. Get it done completely and make it look nice. Because you’re just going to have to do it later and take more time doing it all over again.
/bangs head on desk
So this evening I decided that I would go through my fridge since it was trash night. I got rid of a lot of trash out of there. That made me happy. I really need to clean the shelves and things in there when I get a chance before I go shopping for groceries and fill it back up. And in the back there was a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon from 1999.
So with dinner I had two glasses and it has done wonderful for my nerves. Lately I’ve been feeling stressed, and tonight it’s just melting out of me. Tomorrow I’m sure that it will all be back but for now…
It’s actually kind of too bad that I can’t sell the large amount of alcohol that I own on eBay. I’m pretty sure that they frown on that especially the authorities. But since we have a couple of bottles of wine I figure I might as well drink them (just not all at once *wink*).
And even though I am having my wine tonight I am still counting it with Weight Watchers. Because with Weight Watchers you can eat like a normal person. All you have to do is track it!